When Holidays Feel Different: Navigating Grief & Life Changes

In this episode, we explore the emotional complexities of navigating grief during the holiday season with Amber Stanley, a licensed social worker and author of Everyday Life and Loss Grief Workbook. Amber brings her expertise from years of hospice work and bereavement counseling to help listeners understand why holidays can be particularly challenging when dealing with loss, explaining how the constant reminders and nostalgia create a mix of emotions that affect us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Our host, Darleen Mahoney, shares personal stories of losing the large, multigenerational holiday gatherings she cherished as a child, while Amber offers practical strategies for managing expectations, simplifying traditions, and creating meaningful rituals that honor deceased loved ones. We also discuss the importance of avoiding unhealthy isolation, supporting grieving family members, and involving children in age-appropriate memory-making activities. Through touching anecdotes—including a humorous story about an ugly purple bathrobe—we discover that it's often the imperfect moments that create the most meaningful memories.

Tune in to discover compassionate guidance on maintaining healthy behaviors during this stressful season, creating new traditions while honoring the past, and remembering that it's okay to let good enough be good enough. Whether you're experiencing your first holiday season after a loss or supporting someone who is grieving, this episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice for finding moments of connection and peace during the holidays. Don't miss it!

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Transcript

Darleen Mahoney [0:01 - 2:00]: Today we are joined by Amber Stanley. She earned her BA in Psychology from Agnes Scott College. During her junior year, her father passed away, which profoundly affected her trajectory. She earned her Master of Social Work degree at the University of Central Florida, which is right around the corner from where I am, and began working for hospices as a medical social worker and bereavement counselor. She is an author. She has written the book Everyday Life and Loss Grief Workbook, which is available on Amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com she has also written the book. She also created the everyday it's called the Everyday Life and Loss video series, which is posted on YouTube and her website. And we'll talk about that in a little bit. But that website is amberwavestories.com which will be in the description of the podcast. But we are going to talk a little bit today about bereavement and just kind of during the holidays. Holidays are such a happy time. But sometimes for seniors and even for a lot of us as we age, I think that they can kind of be hard times for people, especially if they've had a lot of loss, whether it's even just loss of where someone's passed away or just loss of that big family times or your children moving on and your children moving away and not that big family you maybe had as your kids were growing up. So there's different types of loss as well. But I think it's important to talk about it so that it's easier to kind of manage during the holiday season. But I wanted to thank you for joining us today, Amber. 

Amber Stanley [2:00 - 2:06]: Well, thank you so much for having me. I think, I hope that this will be helpful for people. 

Darleen Mahoney [2:07 - 3:35]: I absolutely think it will be. I know that for me, myself, I lost both my parents. I had huge families during the holidays. I can remember going to my grandmother's house and it just being so, so many people. All the grandkids would be outside playing and there would be just they would get tables and put them all together because there would just be so many people that aunts and uncles and cousins that you didn't see all year long, they would just pile up. And then any gift unwrapping that would occur would be like just piles and piles of wrapping everywhere that it was just like this thing. And my grandmother would always head it up and she, you know, we're religious, she would do the Christmas story and then there was a birthday cake for Jesus because it was his birthday. And I just remember all of these things that are so in my memory and all of that is gone. My parents are gone, my grandmother's gone. The big family, they've all moved away. It doesn't exist anymore. And so I always think about that, and I miss it so much. And it's. And it can be really hard to kind of maneuver through the holidays with so much loss that continues as you get older. So tell us a little bit what you recommend or kind of how to maneuver that for our seniors. 

Amber Stanley [3:38 - 5:48]: Yeah, the holidays can be challenging because you have so many memories and the nostalgia, the mix of emotions, happy and, you know, maybe sad as well. There's the constant reminders, you know, every time you go into a store or pass a decorated home or, you know, just they're sort of inescapable. And so you can expect, you know, maybe anxiety and stress alongside with kind of those wonderful memories and having these kind of mixed or ambiguous type of feelings that can come up there. There's a number of different things that. That can be helpful, you know, including, of course, taking care of yourself. Anything that's going to be good for the physical body will also help with. With the stress of the holidays. And it is an inherently stressful time for everyone. Yeah. You know, whether they're. They're. They're grieving or not really, because there's just a lot more to do in the same amount of, you know, of hours per day. And it, you know, grief really affects people in every dimension, physically, emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally, and spiritually as well. So one of. One of the first things is to really kind of examine the expectations that we have, you know, because we have this idea of having the perfect holiday season, you know, and. And contrasting it with the way things are in our memories, maybe when we were growing up or when the kids were little or, you know, in. In years past and feeling like the current situation should measure up or should look like it did in the past. And the truth is that every holiday season is its own, you know, unique version of the holidays, and it will change over time. 

Darleen Mahoney [5:49 - 7:21]: I love that because I'll be honest with you, I have never thought of it that way because I know that if my grown kids come home, they don't always come home. So sometimes it's just a few of us that are here. And for me, it can be difficult because I do miss having my grown, mind you, very grown children when they're here. It's a whole different feeling because I make stockings, they're grown. But I still go back to, I can be the Santa Claus. Right. Because I loved doing that. While they were growing up. But it's definitely different when they're older, but they love that, too. It's a totally different thing. And when they know they're coming, I do all the extra things. I make the banana bread that they liked when they were younger. Whereas if they're not coming for Christmas, I might not make that extra effort. But I have all these visions in my head before they get here of the holidays and how I want them to go. And if they don't go off exactly as I envision them, I feel like maybe I failed somehow to give them that magical holiday Christmas that you see on TV or, you know, those Lifetime movies or whatever the case may be, and. And I want to make it better the next time, so. But then I look back and I think, oh, my gosh, we had so much fun. Even though I didn't hit those marks of my expectations going into it. 

Amber Stanley [7:22 - 9:14]: Yeah, exactly. And especially if there's been a, you know, a death or a loss in the family, it can be helpful to, yes, kind of examine those expectations, be maybe a little bit more realistic and try not to romanticize them quite as much. Right. And really maybe simplifying, you know, to, to their essence as far as what are the things that are really important, the traditions that you really want to keep, because those are the most important to, to your family or to the individuals. And at the same time, really acknowledging your limits as far as time, energy, capacity. It's okay to say no to invitations. You don't have to go to all, all of the things, you know, and, and to ask for help when needed, you know, if you feel like you just don't have the, the energy to, to do as much as you would. Would hope, and, you know, really making sleep a priority, which is sometimes hard for us to do, but really, you know, keeping up with the healthy behaviors too, you know, exercising, making sure that you're eating the healthy diet for you, because of course, everybody has different dietary needs. Limiting alcohol consumption because that can really also tax our immune system, too. And exercise and keeping up with whatever mobility exercises that you can do as much as possible. 

Darleen Mahoney [9:15 - 9:59]: Yeah, yeah. I do think asking for help could be a hard area for some people because they definitely don't want to ask for help because they don't want to put anyone out. But I do think that that's an important area to maybe say, you know what? I'm going to start asking for help because most people want to be helpful, so to say, hey, can you help me do this? Or maybe we're going to order out or we're going to go pick up food, or we're going to do some things that maybe you would traditionally do. Maybe look at other avenues for making some of those things happen where you're still getting the same experience. You're just not doing the work. 

Amber Stanley [10:00 - 11:19]: Right. Simplifying and simplifying. Exactly. It can be helpful to have a discussion with your family before the holidays actually begin to kind of, especially after, after loss, to see, you know, what are each person's maybe hopes and expectations. Check in with them, including children as well, and see, you know, what, what do you need? What do you feel like would be helpful and really listen to, you know, the ideas without necessarily, you know, judging them or anything. But maybe that means looking at, well, okay, we have an empty place at the table now. How would we like to address that? Do we just leave it, you know, and just have that as kind of a sacred space? Or do we maybe bequeath it upon the next generation, whether that's the children or the grandchildren, and sort of have that passing on like a legacy or, you know, some other option really, you know, just kind of listen to what people are wanting and needing. 

Darleen Mahoney [11:20 - 13:02]: Yeah, yeah. I think also, you know, when someone has passed away and then they're not there during the holidays. For me, some of that warmth comes from talking about stories of the past about them, especially during the holidays. My mom, my dad was a horrible, horrible gift giver, bless his heart. He tried. But I can remember he, one year now, mind you, we live in Florida where it's quite warm. Got her a big, super, super thick, fuzzy, fuzzy purple bathrobe for Christmas one year. And I remember my mom, she had like, given him hints, hints, hints, hints on a catalog cutout. I think it was from a jewelry store of some kind of bracelet or something that she had wanted. And she was really hoping he would get the hint. Well, he didn't pick it up. He did not pick up what she was laying down. And he had gotten her this big, horrifically ugly, super thick purple bathrobe for Christmas. And I mean, it's a story that we always talk about, that we tell, because it's just, it was just so funny. She went and ended up buying her own bracelet after Christmas, but. Because she just wanted it. But it was just one of those things that we always would joke with my dad about his big purse, purple bathrobe. So, you know, that's just a holiday story that, you know, we now talk about. And it brings us that warmth and Just, it just reminds us, you know, And I, I personally, my kids were not there, but I can, I see it in my head. It's like a story that plays in slow motion. 

Amber Stanley [13:03 - 13:09]: Yeah. It's not necessarily the perfect moments that we remember. It's the imperfect ones. And that's a great example. 

Darleen Mahoney [13:10 - 13:15]: Sometimes those stories, the things that go quite awry, make for the best stories. 

Amber Stanley [13:16 - 13:17]: Yes, exactly. 

Darleen Mahoney [13:17 - 13:37]: Absolutely. Absolutely. Because the perfect turkeys, nobody talks about those. It's the I cooked the turkey upsides down and I forgot the stuffing. That story is every Thanksgiving, I guarantee. But the perfect Thanksgiving turkey is an expectation. So nobody talks about that afterwards. 

Amber Stanley [13:37 - 13:38]: So. 

Darleen Mahoney [13:38 - 14:28]: But yeah, no, I love that. As far as, like, people that have experienced very recent loss and are still going through the grief process during the holidays, what are your. So you think that it's something that is clearly a case by case basis as far as kind of. I don't want to say, I feel like you sometimes have to really power through the holidays because they're still there, but you may just want to like, stick your head under the covers and just wait till they're just over. You don't even want to deal with them. So how do you kind of maneuver that so that you're. You stay a healthy person emotionally if you don't really want to participate? 

Amber Stanley [14:30 - 16:21]: Right. Yeah. Some, some times you want to just kind of isolate and just pretend the holidays are not even happening. And that's maybe one of the things. There's no necessarily right or wrong way to grieve, but there are some that are perhaps somewhat more healthy and completely isolating is probably not the best thing to do. And even if that means scaling back, like I was saying, it's okay to say no to some invitations, but maybe not to just completely shut everything out, but allow in what you can kind of that's meaningful to you and that maybe that you can tolerate as far as energy, maybe that means only being around, you know, certain people because we will find that some people are perhaps more. More energizing for us in. Some feel a little bit more draining. And you're going to want to maybe have an exit strategy for the, for the latter. If you're going to be feeling like you need to go to, to certain events for whatever reason, make sure that you, you know, have like a plan to not stay maybe as long as you might have. But really, I mean, it's okay to say no, but it's also important to kind of be around people as well, because as much as we want to pull back and isolate in grief. It really is helpful to have that support system around us. And so it's really kind of going to be individual as far as what that looks like. But yeah, it is important, I think. 

Darleen Mahoney [16:22 - 17:23]: Yeah, yeah. And it is hard when you are in that state that sometimes you just feel like you want to cocoon yourself and just get through it. But if you are someone that is caring for someone or your loved one is the one that's doing the cocooning or doesn't or wants to isolate, how do you recommend they kind of work with that person to kind of bring them out? Because it isn't healthy to do that. It really is not healthy. But still for them to kind of pull them out of that, but still be very respectful. So to include them in some things, but maybe some just very low key events, just having them come out and spend time with family but not make big productions or big ordeals or go to big, you know, maybe music events or things like that. So, I mean, what are your thoughts on that? 

Amber Stanley [17:25 - 18:31]: Yeah, so check in with them and see, you know, what, how your, your loved one is doing. You know, there may be accommodations that you could make if they're, you know, unable or, or unwilling to go to, to, you know, to, to family events. Maybe you could come to visit them, you know, or you could arrange to have, you know, either have people talk to them by phone or, you know, FaceTime or, you know, in other ways where you're still connecting but not necessarily having to be physically present if you're not able to, whether that's for, you know, just unable to travel or for whatever reason. So that your people are still letting you know that we love you, we care for you, we're here for you. And you know, be willing to go there if they're not able or willing to come out. Yeah, not trying to force anyone out necessarily. 

Darleen Mahoney [18:31 - 19:47]: Right, right, right. But to keep a communication where you're talking with them so they're not so isolated that they're not communicating with people. Because I think that's where it kind of gets where they can go into a depression. That's an unhealthy depression. So, you know, one of the things that. It's the invention of the FaceTime and that type of thing. I think that that's something that you can take advantage of if it's something they have access to, to be able to have that face to face without being, you know, right in front of them. And then there's other solutions other than a FaceTime depending on what Kind of mobile device you have, or even Zoom. I mean, you can even do Zoom, which there's all kinds of different solutions. So it's just kind of finding that solution that can maybe connect them so they don't have to leave the house if they're not ready for that. But being able to stay in front of them and have those good conversations with them. And I think sometimes during the holidays it's good to talk about, you know, that loved one and how that loved one, you know, would enjoy the holidays in the past or that kind of thing. So just to bring them that comfort of someone that may have passed or whatever. 

Amber Stanley [19:48 - 20:14]: Yes, definitely include the, the lost loved one in the conversations, bring them into the holiday season, whatever that looks like. You know, talk about them, share the stories, share the memories, share the funny things maybe that they did that really include them as an important part of the family holidays. 

Darleen Mahoney [20:14 - 20:42]: Yeah, no, I think that's a great idea. So I know you talked about like planning ahead and things like that. So when you're talking about planning ahead, do you include or do you think that they should include like memory books or anything of that nature when you're talking to. When you're in a grief cycle that's fairly close to the loss of a loved one? 

Amber Stanley [20:44 - 22:03]: Yeah, there's lots of different things that you could do to really use rituals as a means of self care or of honoring the loved ones that have passed. That can. Yes, you could create memory boxes, you could light candles, you could make or, you know, ornaments or gifts to give to each other in memory of the person. You can include the photographs. You really can create all sorts of different rituals or memorials, allow the kids to participate, you know, that get crafty and you know, and, and maybe also pass on the traditions again to the next generation as well. You can of course include prayer or any type of religious practices as part of this as well. But rituals are really grounding. They should be also meaningful to the, to the individuals, into the family as well. So you get to, to kind of create those, whether that's a traditions or coming up with new or a mix of those. 

Darleen Mahoney [22:04 - 23:01]: Yeah, I like the idea of including the kids and some of those things because in all honesty, kids, kids, typically, most kids bring joy. So for me to be around, I can be in, you know, I don't want to say a bad place, but I can be not having the greatest of days and I can be around kids and there's just something about them that they bring lightheartedness to a situation or whatever's going on, and they bring, you know, elements of joy into really any situation for the most part. I mean, I can even be having a bad day and standing in a grocery line and just see a kid just being funny or cute or just having a conversation with his mom behind me, and it just. I don't know, it puts a smile on my face. I just. There's just something about kids that's a gift that they have. 

Amber Stanley [23:02 - 23:03]: Absolutely. 

Darleen Mahoney [23:04 - 23:04]: Yeah. 

Amber Stanley [23:04 - 23:05]: Yeah. 

Darleen Mahoney [23:05 - 23:16]: So to bring them in, and then you're also sharing with them the tradition. You're sharing with them the stories of a loved one that's passed so they can appreciate and carry those stories on as well. 

Amber Stanley [23:17 - 23:18]: Yes. 

Darleen Mahoney [23:18 - 24:17]: Yeah. No, I really, really like that. But I do like the crafty thing, too. So who doesn't like to get crafty during the holidays? And then when you're doing crafts, you are having those authentic and organic conversations as you're doing the crafts versus something that's forced or something that is intentional. So it's a very unintentional conversation that can be just something you just really just enjoy being together. It's the togetherness part. It's not necessarily something planned or staged as far as, you know, well, we're gonna go do this, and we're gonna have this, and we're gonna go. Open presence, and we're gonna go. You know, all these things that you plan. Sometimes it just gets so hectic that you. You lose the whole connection with family and the whole. What you want to call, like, the meaning of. Of the holidays, which is spending time with family and all the traditions that you have, but really is just that connecting that you may. Of the year. 

Amber Stanley [24:19 - 24:21]: Yes. Yeah. I love that. 

Darleen Mahoney [24:23 - 25:02]: I could be an author. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. I just think back to, like, you know, how I've tried to deal with some of the things, you know, since my parents have passed and how I really want to move forward for myself during the holidays as my family ties continue to, you know, unfortunately, shrink as people move away and the family that's. Older generations have passed in the most recent years. It's hard. It really is hard. You just start becoming the older you get. You definitely become more and more nostalgic for the past. 

Amber Stanley [25:03 - 25:07]: Yeah. Because there is more past over time. 

Darleen Mahoney [25:07 - 26:01]: Ooh, that is true. There is more past. I had never thought about it that way, but you're correct. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So some healthy holiday behaviors. I know that we talked about several of those. I love the idea of the very basics of eating healthy, because that's very difficult to do sometimes during the holidays, but being more cognizant of that. Sleep can be very difficult to do during the holidays because you have so much going on. But maybe staying on top of like your vitamins and some healthy habits as far as like maybe getting outside and taking a brisk walk, something like that, just to clear your head. If nothing else, if there's chaos in your home, that's the best way to get rid of some chaos. Well, I don't mean get away, but you know, kind of separate yourself and clear your head a little bit before going back into the chaos. 

Amber Stanley [26:02 - 26:08]: Yes, putting, putting a little, little distance along with exercise together. 

Darleen Mahoney [26:10 - 26:16]: That is better said. You said that so much better than I did. So I do appreciate that. 

Amber Stanley [26:16 - 26:17]: Thank you. 

Darleen Mahoney [26:19 - 26:48]: So did you have any more recommendations or thoughts or anything like that on that? Some of our listeners, whether they're the person in that grief mode or they're the caretaker or family member of someone that is, that is trying to take care of or is visiting or is concerned about a loved one that is experiencing that higher level of grief during the holidays. 

Amber Stanley [26:50 - 29:31]: So. Well, I'd like to read a segment that I actually wrote in preparation for this interview to some of that the holiday season is upon us soon. It's commonly a challenging time for those that have experienced the death or deaths in their circle of family and friends. The absence is highlighted by all the expected togetherness of the season. There's the empty seat at the table, the palpable absence of the person who was there the previous years. In the holidays. It may even feel wrong somehow to be celebrating at all. That's a feeling of There's a feeling of loneliness, of sadness, of loss. Not just of the person themselves, but everything that they did, said and were. Some families may want to uphold some of the traditions, especially the ones that were important to the lost loved ones. Or they may resist carrying on the traditions, wanting to do something totally different or a mix of the past and new. It's important to talk about the person that died openly. Allow others and ourselves to express thoughts, feelings, memories, support one another. Know that each person will grieve differently and that there is no one right way to grieve. Use of rituals may be helpful in tending to grief. Journaling, letter writing and other forms of writing can be useful. So can creative expression of any kind. You can create ornaments, decorations, recipes, cards, gifts or other holiday related things. Talk to the kids in your circle about the loss and about how you miss the person who died. Using age Appropriate language, of course. Let them share how they feel as well, though. Don't try to force them to share either. You may not have the energy to do all of the usual holiday hustle and bustle. Pare it down to the bare minimum. It's okay to say no and to opt out of gatherings. Things do not have to be perfect. Let good enough be good enough. Especially the first holiday season after a death. Different religions have customs and in rituals around grief and mourning, find solace in your religion or spiritual community if you have one. It's not one size fits all or even most. List out your ideas and come up with your own. You're on your own or with your family. 

Darleen Mahoney [29:33 - 29:42]: I love that. That's. That's beautiful. And that's an ex. Esper. Oh, I can't say the word. Part of your book. 

Amber Stanley [29:44 - 29:47]: Actually, I just, I just wrote it in anticipation of talking today. 

Darleen Mahoney [29:48 - 30:33]: Oh, wow. That. That was absolutely incredible. That was very good. And that's. That explains everything in just such an eloquent way. So I really appreciate you sharing that for sure. I do want our listeners to be able to access some of the content that you've provided, including your book, and then you have some videos. So I want to share. We will share the description. We' share the links as well in the description on the apps in which people are listening to so they can be. So they're able to click on that and get that. But I also want to share that one more time. So your book is called Everyday Life and Loss Grief Workbook, correct? 

Amber Stanley [30:33 - 30:33]: Yes. 

Darleen Mahoney [30:34 - 30:45]: All right. And that's available on Amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com and we'll share those links in the description. And so also share with me a little bit about your YouTube. 

Amber Stanley [30:47 - 31:30]: So I put together a video series as I was writing the book and it's also called Everyday Life and loss. It's on YouTube as well as on my, my website, Amberways Stories. And it is various chapters from the book where I'm actually, you know, reading from the book. And a lot of them I'm wearing, you know, different wigs. And I explained that in the intro video. It, you know, just briefly, it had to do with the caregiver of a hospice patient that I once had as an inspiration for that. But yeah, okay, Very cool. 

Darleen Mahoney [31:31 - 33:01]: So the website, I'm going to spell it out because I don't want it to get confused because there's two S's right next to each other. It's Amber Waves, W A V E S stories S T-O-R-I-S.com so it's a M B E R W A V E S S T O R I E s dot com. All right, perfect. So our listeners can access your website utilizing that URL. And once again, that. That. That link will be within the description as well. Perfect. Well, I've really absolutely enjoyed talking with you today and the information that you shared, the heartfelt information that you shared today. And I really appreciate the work that you do with hospice patients. I think it's a hard job. I don't know that I personally could do it. I went through two parents that went through hospice, and I think that's pretty much. I've had my fill. I'm not sure I can ever do it again. Not that I won't have to, but it was two very different experiences and neither one was pleasant. They were very difficult, but it had to be done, and it was the best options for them. But it's very difficult. So to be in that. In that environment all the time, it's. It's a difficult job. And I do appreciate the work that you put in. 

Amber Stanley [33:02 - 33:07]: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciated the conversation. Enjoyed it, too. 

Darleen Mahoney [33:08 - 33:26]: Absolutely. Thank you so much. And if you are listening and you enjoy this podcast, please check out our other podcast episodes that we have available. They're available anywhere you listen to podcasts such as Spotify, Apple Podcast, Amazon, pretty much everywhere. Thank you so much for listening.